As you can tell from my previous article, I have been far from well during these past few months. I began entering a depressive episode towards the end of July, which continued to increase in intensity for the past seven months. This lead to some rather dangerous situations, relapses, and a lot of pain; both physically and mentally.
Although I will do my best to describe the events that occurred, I cannot remember all too much as I have suffered from memory loss for a multitude of reasons, mainly due to substance abuse, dissociation, and dissociative amnesia. Therefore it is important to bear in mind that this is not a detailed description of everything that these past few months have entailed, rather a summarisation of the effects of depression and psychosis and the damage it has, and can cause.
The following excerpts are from my personal journals, which detailed my first hand experiences as they occurred. Although these are extremely personal pieces of writing, I want to share them with you to give you a first hand view of what it is actually like to suffer with illnesses such as schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, bipolar, and depression.
– I want to crack open my skull and watch everything pour out as I drift into an eternal cosmic sleep.
– All it takes is a couple of seconds to relapse and a whole years worth of work has been thrown out of the window, well done. So now that I am back to where I started, I don’t think that anything ever changed in the first place.
– There is something very, very wrong with me and it is not mental illness. This goes far beyond that, this time I cannot be helped.
I feel as if my head is about to explode and that my heart will crash to the floor. I found that as I tried to speak I watched everything pour out until I was left drowning within the depths of my own thoughts.
– What am I? There is not one part of me that feels human, all I can see between myself and humanity is difference.
I am not like the rest of you, I never have been; I can feel it crawling through my veins. I do not believe that I can die, physically I can, but my consciousness continues as it always has. I feel as if I have lived a thousand lives and that I will live a thousand more.
There is no end to my torturous existence, in physical death I can only rest, there is no peace.
As you can probably tell from the above excerpts, I was very delusional and in an extremely dark place, which tends to exaggerate my psychotic symptoms significantly. During this period I had genuinely lost my mind and the very essence of my being, my perspective had become extremely distorted. I was experiencing an array of hallucinations, those mainly being somatic, auditory, and visual hallucinations; though I found the somatic hallucinations to be the most distressing, and unfortunately, they still are.
My drug use had reached an all time high, which was the last thing I needed at the time, and definitely contributed to the decline in my mental health. I also relapsed with self harm after almost one year of being clean, which was the worst relapse I have ever experienced.
The depressive and psychotic episode I was experiencing reached a climax after months of suicidal thoughts soon became suicidal ideation and behaviour. What was once a thought soon became an action, and my life was on the line. It had reached the point where my suicide attempts were not planned, but spontaneous actions on the days that they occurred, thankfully I came out from them all relatively unscathed.
Since this period in my life, my drug use and self harming behaviours have ceased entirely, and I am doing far better now. I hope to continue down this path of recovery, and aid those who are struggling with their own recovery along the way. Helping you, is helping me; and vice versa.