Disappearing for a While

Unfortunately, it’s a few months down the line and although I have done this before (Taking it Easy, Taking it Easy: Part II), I am going to have to do this again. I cannot write currently, and nor do I want to at this moment in time. I simply cannot take this any more.

Over the past few months I have been on a steady downhill slope, however over the past two weeks or so that downhill slope has progressed to being almost vertical, and I am falling into the depths of depression increasingly fast. Not only am I depressed, I have become paranoid and delusional with or without reason. I have absolutely no idea of what is going on any more, I can’t think, I can’t speak; it’s almost as if I am not really here any more.

As well as attempting to deal with and manage my illness, there are a number of external sources and issues causing me distress at this point in my life. These are things that I certainly will need to write about in time, but right now they are things that I need to process and deal with within the real world, and not online. I am beginning to find my involvement within the mental health community is now causing me problems, rather than providing me benefits. This is through no fault of the mental health community, but through my faults only.

I am hoping that my absence will not be for too long of a time, but I have no idea as to how long the duration of the break which I need is. I cannot help other people when I cannot help myself, I need time alone, away from the entire concepts of mental health and mental illness. I do not want to say or promote things that I do not currently believe; hope is non-existent, and I see no light.

I want to thank each and every member of the mental health community and my readers for everything that you have ever done for me, this is not goodbye forever, but it is for now.

Advertisements

Stigma within the Mental Health Community: Part II

I previously wrote an article about the ongoing stigma within the mental health community, and it pains me to have to do so once again, particularly as this time it is due to a very different matter. The first part of this unintended series detailed the ongoing stigma and negative behaviour between those who suffer from non-psychotic disorders, and those who do. Unfortunately, another issue I have stumbled across is that of the stigma and abuse occurring between those who take medication to treat their disorder and those who don’t.

Before I begin, it is important to take into consideration that similarly to my previous article on the matte of stigma within the mental health community, this is aimed at a select few people. The mental health community is a wonderful and supportive place filled with some of the best people that I have ever met, as written in a previous article of mine praising the mental health community. Yet there are still those who are letting our community down, promoting an incorrect and stigmatized perspective on mental illness.

I have personally witnessed those who take medication force the view that medication is your only effective option for treatment and that if you are mentally ill, you should be taking it. However, what truly angers me about this matter is that those who take medication are actually accusing others of not being mentally ill and completely dismissing their suffering due to the individuals choice to not take medication; I have personally experienced this. Those who take medication have avoided those who do not take medication, they are treated with great bias due to pure ignorance, and will be cast aside by those individuals.

I have found that the majority of those who choose not to take medication for whatever reason, will agree entirely with the use of medication for other individuals, and are more accepting of other individuals choice of treatment. Of course, there are some who are entirely against medication which I utterly disagree with, there are extremists within this community which solely believe and promote that mental illness can be treated or cured with homoeopathy, herbal remedies, or that their illness if in fact a spiritual awakening; whilst slating others for their choice of treatment. This is equally as absurd as those who take medication being abusive to those who don’t.

However, currently the more common occurrences of abuse do seem to be from the side of those who take medication, as they treat those who choose not to go down that route with disrespect, ignorance, abuse, and negligence; as if they do not matter or are not worthy of being in this community, which is completely untrue.

This needs to stop, we are given different treatment options for a reason, different treatments will work for different people. There are a multitude of reasons as to why people choose the treatment options that they do; medication resistance does exist, the side effects of the medication can at times be worse than the illness itself, some people cannot afford or have access to mental health services, let alone medication.

The whole point of this community is for it to be a place of support and safety, where we are not judged for our illnesses or life choices. This is the second article that I have had to write in order to address the ongoing stigma occurring within the mental health community and it is absolutely ridiculous. I am baffled as to what is going on within this community, it’s a place of support and care, not abuse and negligence; and if you are for the latter, you do not belong in this community, it is that simple.

A Schizoaffective Story Time: A Weird Experience

As all of the articles within the A Schizoaffective Story Time series are about events which have taken place a couple of years ago, I have decided to share the true story of an event that has taken place recently. This event occurred on Sunday 16th September 2016 during the early hours of the morning, 3:20am to be exact.

It all began with my relaxing as usual in the lounge of my apartment, there was not a single thing that was out of the norm, it was simply a typical night. I was alone at this point as my father was elsewhere within the apartment or its surroundings.

The apartment has large bay windows which overlooks the main road that runs into the town, as well as the river and marsh which is situated on the other side of the road; it is a spectacular view. I spend a rather large amount of time looking out of this window, observing the quiet of night; which was exactly what I was doing before the following event occurred.

One minute I was there, observing the world from the windows of my apartment, and the next I was not; everything was completely covered in darkness, there was not a thing to be seen. Although I couldn’t see, I felt as if I was wandering somewhere, not only could I sense motion, but I could also hear it. As I was wandering through the darkness, I could sense the openness and vast expanse of whatever it is I was in, which was when I began to feel as if I was walking through a Colosseum.

I began to hear the chanting of a male choir, who were repeating the words “Om, om, om, om, ne-Pierre”. I was completely oblivious as to what was going on at this point, and with a complete lack of control, I continued through the experience.

The darkness, motion, and all of the things which I could sense began to fade away. As I slowly came round, I felt a huge amount of pressure on the right hand side of my brain, followed by hearing incredibly loud and intense white noise / static also from the right hand side of my head. My entire body felt tense, and I continued to feel slight pressure and a weird feeling my head until I decided to go to sleep about twenty minutes later.

At first I believed this all to be down to a seizure, however, I have experienced seizures many times and they have never been anything like that. It would also be impossible for it to have been a seizure as when I came to consciousness, I was still sitting in the chair as I previously had been; only ten minutes or so had passed. This was a very weird experience in its entirety, I still can’t quite get my head around all of this, although it does retain similarity to both of The Murder Premonition (Part II)experiences.

I am finding this difficult to process, therefore it shall remain an unexplained event which resides in the deepest parts of my mind.

Stigma: What You Don’t Know

This article is for those without a mental illness, I aim to shed some light and clarity on exactly what it is that we experience as mentally ill individuals; and the problems which stem from stigma, misinformation, and all too common misconceptions about mental illness. Although this article is mainly intended for those without a mental illness, I would love to hear the opinions of others who suffer from a mental illness on this matter.

As individuals who do suffer from a mental illness, we hear the typical “everyone feels like that sometimes”, “we all feel like that”, “at least you’re not ______” all too often. It is the stigma, misinformation, and misconceptions that contribute to leading you to think that you know what it is like to suffer from a mental illness, which I can guarantee you don’t, whilst you downplay our illnesses as normal thoughts, feelings and experiences, which we are clearly overreacting to; we are simply lazy, unlikeable people in the eyes of the ignorant.

Here’s the thing: you do not feel what we feel, a mental illness is called a mental illness for that exact reason, it’s an illness. We are not experiencing normal human emotions, thoughts or experiences, otherwise we would not be diagnosed by medical professionals as mentally ill. Mental illness twists, modifies, and intensifies what would be normal human emotions, thoughts and experiences by a horrifically incredible amount. We do not perceive the world in the way that you do, a mental illness will affect every single aspect of your life, changing your life and the person you are entirely. However, you have to adapt to this, you have to adapt to living with a mental illness; we are given no choice. If you suffer from a psychotic disorder, not only are our thoughts and emotions being affected, our sensory perception will be affected to; leaving us to live our lives in a reality that you are not aware of.

I have found that the issue tends to be that people who do not suffer from a mental illness attempt to equate our experiences to their own, they relate our mental illnesses to the normal every day negative situations that they experience; you perceive and judge us through eyes of ignorance. Depression is not sadness, mania is not happiness, psychosis isn’t seeing something out of the corner of your eye; anxiety is not nervousness, our illnesses are not your emotions.

The following quote resonates strongly with me on this issue:

The humanity we share is more important than the mental illness that we don’t”

– Professor Elyn R. Saks

Individuals who suffer from mental illnesses should not be cast aside, declared lazy, be told that we are not trying hard enough, or that we are not ill at all; we need to be showed compassion, empathy, and care. We are all humans, our lives may be very different, we may be very different, but that does not make us inferior to those who do not suffer from a mental illness.

Until the day you wake up and know how it feels to have to fight and struggle with your mind every second of the day to simply survive, to feel the weight of the world cave in on your chest, desperately grasping to hold onto the things you know and love whilst your illness strips it all away from you, don’t you dare tell me you know how it feels. 

Mystery Blogger Award

mysterybloggerawardtemp

““Mystery Blogger Award” is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates, it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve any recognition they get. The award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.”

Oko to Enigma

Thank you to alucardeverlasting for nominating me, as well as for providing an interesting read with their nomination article.

Rules:

  • Put the award logo/image on your blog
  • List the rules
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link to their blog as well
  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  • Nominate 10 – 20 people
  • Notify each of your nominees by commenting on their blog
  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  • Share a link to your best post(s)

As with all rules, some are made to be broken. Therefore you may have noticed that I am using a different award logo/image as it is of higher quality, and I do not wish to use low quality images on this blog. You may also have noticed that I have not nominated the required amount of people as I simply find it too difficult to do so; I will not be commenting on the blogs of those I have nominated as I do not wish to intrude or post unrelated content on their articles out of respect.

Although I have published many personal articles about my thoughts, feelings, and experiences; there is very little information on here which directly describes or portrays the person that I am. Therefore the information I am about to tell you could be rather interesting, or entirely of no interest; as the first thing that you will learn about me as a person is that I am absolutely terrible at talking about myself and who I am. Particularly when it comes to providing interesting things about myself, as I am unaware of what information it is that others would desire. Anyway, here we go.

  1. I have always been interested and drawn to the darker side of life. Whether that be the music I listen to, the way I present myself physically, the things that I watch and read, my interests; each and every aspect of my life is affected by this, and I would never change it. Many of the things which do interest me are shun out of ignorance, which does not stop these things from happening and only reduces awareness and the truth of this world.
  2. I am a lover of nature, not of people. I am significantly reclusive, antisocial, and introverted. I do not like people or humanity in general, I do not deny that good people exist, as almost all of those within the mental health community are perfect examples of good people existing. However, this does not outweigh the negatives of humanity. I do not agree with loving everyone unconditionally, as quite simply put, not everyone deserves it. There are horrendous people out there who do not deserve to and will not receive any form of love or kindness from me. Human nature simply disgusts me, I choose not to be ignorant and turn the other cheek, rather I face the truth and accept that far too many humans are mere parasites on this Earth.
  3. Since being introduced to technology, it has remained one of the largest parts of my life till this day. Without technology, I am unsure as to whether I would have got this far. It has helped me cope with my illness and the every day troubles of life ever since I can remember. It is how I connect and communicate with the rest of the world, and it allows me to not be alone entirely. Before I left education for the final time I was playing the roles of a graphic designer, web developer, and system administrator for the company which I previously worked for; and this was to be the field I would work within for the rest of my life. Now that my mental illness has grown to such a severity, my ability to work and function within the technological field has been taken away from me; yet it still remains one of the largest parts of my life and it will always hold a special place in my heart.
  1. If you had any supernatural power, what would it be?It would most likely be immortality, or some form of superhuman abilities, such as superhuman strength, psychic abilities; and such.
  2. What’s your greatest accomplishment and deepest regret?I believe that I am yet to make both my greatest accomplishment and deepest regret.
  3. Who or what, or both, inspires you?Edgar Allan Poe has been my inspiration for writing ever since I can remember, other than that, I would say that nature is my inspiration.
  4. What would be your ideal fantasy world?If you are familiar with either Skyrim or World of Warcraft, I would happily live in either of those worlds.
  5. Describe yourself in five words:Open minded, fair, honest, introverted, and detached.

I nominate the following individuals for this award:

Peaceableme

Decoding Bipolar

Bipolar Redux

hellobipolarlinla

depressionistheenemy

Beautifully Bipolar

I highly recommend both visiting and following these blogs, as they truly do provide invaluable information and insight into the lives of those who do suffer from mental illness. For those who were nominated you do not have to participate of course, do so of your own accord.

Five questions:

  1. What is the meaning of life to you?
  2. Is there an afterlife? If so, what does it hold?
  3. Should both love and kindness be given unconditionally?
  4. If you could be anywhere in the universe at any point in time, where would you be?
  5. Would you prefer to be mortal or immortal?

Best Articles:

Suicide: A Reflection of Society

Schizoaffective Disorder: Uncensored

When is Enough Truly Enough?

When Words Fall Short

The Mental Health Crisis

Stigma within the Mental Health Community

The Journey to Recovery