As my aim is to provide an uncensored view into the real life thoughts, feelings, and experiences of the individuals who suffer from schizoaffective disorder; as well as those who suffer from other mental illnesses. I do this at all costs, I am allowing you the opportunity to witness the most personal thoughts, emotions, and experiences of my life. Therefore I am going to share a significantly personal piece which was written during the early hours of the morning of Saturday 22nd October.
The inspiration for this piece came from seemingly no where, yet it was written with such passion, from the depths of both my thoughts and feelings. I felt that I finally needed to write down what it is that I truly feel, rather than continuing to slumber in a pit of denial. I can no longer hide from something that has been staring me right in the eyes my entire life. This is what it is like to be me, know that.
The following is an excerpt from my personal journal where this piece was originally written:
“In all honesty, I am not doing well, and I have not been doing well for too long now. Everything seems distance, as if it’s just out of reach, I can no longer connect with the world and its people. Every day is the same, I wake up, eat breakfast, exercise, write, smoke myself to sleep; repeat. I haven’t been alive for a very long time, my mind aches for peace, silence. I have grown too tired, my efforts are failing, and the cycle continues.
The pain which reside in me has grown unbearable, yet I cannot escape myself.
The truth is, my life is based entirely on the so called delusions which chose to poison my mind. The reality in which I live is obscured to the lengths that I am sure we live in entirely different worlds; I am lost within mine.
Words are beginning to fall short, there are no words which can describe the utter horror that is my life. A lifetime of torture and what for? I am the cause of my own
undoing, I am the result of my madness.
I am losing my mind, stepping further into the darkness with every second that passes; there never was an option to turn around.”
– 01:26 22/10/2016
I am not giving up, the support from you guys and the people on Twitter are what gives me the strength to continue, I can never be thankful enough for that.