At the beginning of this year, I was coming out of a long and severe depressed and psychotic episode. By the time May came, I was within the midsts of mania. During the transition between these two periods I had decided that I was going to push myself this year, and that I was going to make myself better. When I’m manic it’s very easy for me to firmly believe that I am somehow better and no longer mentally ill, which obviously isn’t the case.
However, this year I actually have pushed myself to try and get better, as well as further myself in life through introspection and my writing. Even though I have been increasingly ill over the past couple of months, I have tried to keep up with what I am doing and it is working out. I should be very happy right now, a few amazing things have happened recently; externally, everything is great. However, what’s not going well is me.
I have been holding on for so long now, yet I don’t truly want to. I am aware that no matter how much success or whatever else in life I somehow manage to achieve will never change any of this, I am never going to be able to experience a happiness that isn’t fabricated by some substance or my manic mind; regardless of anything that I choose to do, these problems will always exist. I don’t want to fight with my mind any more, I’m too tired; I want this all to end.
Yet, that is not what can happen, I cannot go down the path of self destruction once again; I never know if I’ll come back from that. I made the decision to persevere and finally make something of my life, and I am slowly getting there.
I am not suicidal, I simply needed to get this out. I have already come to terms with all of this, I believe that you can sometimes reach the point where you accept that you are going to be mentally ill for the rest of your life, and that although upwards of 70% of it is going to be horrendous, there’s still the 30% that won’t.
I personally don’t believe that it’s worth it in itself, therefore you’ve got to make it worth it, and that’s what my writing and all you guys are doing for me; if I can help at least one person, then my life will have had purpose, and that’s all I need.