Personally, I have found that this is the best way to describe psychosis, and also my experiences with my illness.
I have always felt as if I have on foot in this world, and one foot in another. In fact, this is exactly how my father would describe me. I feel this way due to the fact that I am here, but I am also not here. I am here physically, but I am not here mentally. I am here mentally, yet I am also somewhere else.
This may sound incredibly confusing, and that’s because it is. Psychosis immerses you in a world of isolation and uncertainty, where the concept of your world being ‘real’ doesn’t really exist.
It’s as if I share one world within the supposed ‘reality’ with others, yet I also have this world in which I am completely and utterly alone. It’s as if I am sitting on the edge of two worlds, I exist within them both, but I have no control of my crossing between these two worlds; and more often than not, I remain on that verge, experiencing both realities simultaneously.
Yet sometimes I find myself drifting from what everyone else would call reality and I find myself lost within my own world. This is when I become completely detached from reality, and my illness takes over entirely. When I am in this state, reality is non-existent.
Isolation is a huge part of psychosis, and I feel that many people fail to understand that. Psychosis is not simply hallucinations and delusions, psychosis causes pain in many different and obscure ways. Being aware that no matter how many people you surround yourself with, and no matter how many people attempt to care for you, you still remain alone in your own personal isolated hell.
However, as someone who has lost everything in their life multiple times, in some sick and twisted way, I find relief in knowing that there is a world of mine which humanity and the ills of the world can’t touch; it might be hell, but it is mine.