“The weight in my chest has grown heavy, and my heart numb. The rain was falling, and still my tears wouldn’t come out. I heard the wind call my name, yet I never heard your voice. I could jump from the highest of bridges, and still the sound of me crashing against the water would never be enough to drown out the sound of when you smashed my heart against the wall and tore it apart.”
– 3:32 01/10/2016
Whenever I write something similar to the above, I realise how much it sounds as if it has been written about a person. If I was to read the above without knowing who or why they wrote it, I would immediately assume that it is about a person, however, this time it is not. For some absurd reason that I do not currently understand, I tend to treat and refer to my mental illness as it’s own being or entity when I am talking or writing about it. I find it somehow makes it easier to talk about and process.
I can no longer deny myself or what it is that I am feeling. I have experienced severe depression many times, yet I have never experienced anything quite like this.
I have become immersed in sadness and despair, I have never felt a sadness this deep. I can no longer remember what happiness feels like and that breaks my heart. All of these feelings tire me and leave me feeling empty and numb.
“I’m just so damn tired you know? There is always something going on in my head, I never have any peace, I’m sick of fighting something that I can’t win. I cannot describe the sadness or loneliness I feel, and it’s not that I don’t have people around me, because I do have my family and a couple of friends; it’s just that regardless of how many people are around me, I’m stuck here alone in my own reality. No one is ever going to live in the world that I do, and in that way I am very much alone; and that hurts.”
– 23:36 01/10/2016
I am drowning in my sadness.