Missing Something

For some reason unbeknown to myself, I have always felt as if I am missing something yet I have never known what it is.

I have felt this way ever since I can remember, I am a whole which consists of a hole I do not know how to fill, or whether it truly exists. I would love to believe that I am not missing anything, however, I do not understand how I could have such strong feelings about the matter and certainly not for this length of time.

The following are two excerpts from my personal journal, detailing the intense feelings which I have seemingly always experienced:

I don’t know what it is, but it’s this hole in me that’s ever longing for something which will never fill it, like a part of me died a long time ago.”

– 1:19 11/02/2016

I’ve always felt like I have been missing something; I miss you, I have this gaping hole inside of me that I don’t know how to fill because I don’t know who or what you are. How can a person miss something they’ve never had?”

– 19:57 27/06/2016

I am unsure as to whether I will ever stop feeling this way, and how I will achieve that. This has been a part of my illness which I have never been able to understand. All I know is that I simply have a longing for something that I do not know that I will ever have. This makes almost no sense to me, yet it makes perfect sense at the same time.

I have spent my entire life trying to rid myself of this feeling, yet it seems to be to no avail.

I truly hope that I find what it is that I am missing sometime soon, or that the realisation that I am not missing anything begins. A life lived whilst feeling like a part of you has never been there is not a life that I want to live.

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3 thoughts on “Missing Something

  1. I feel the same, in a sense. It’s like there’s always something that isn’t there, that I feel should be there, but I don’t know what that thing is or if finding it would even improve anything to the degree I fantasize about. I’m with you; I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling that way either.

    Sometimes I just think that, well, if the universe is us and we are the universe, and if it’s true that they say we’ll never be able to understand everything about the universe to the extent we would like to, we will only be able to appreciate the mystery,than I like to try and take that approach to myself we well. Humans are weird. Our lives are weird. We’re caught in that cross-hair in the evolution of animals: we’re like the weird science experiment. Regular animal instinct and behavior, but we got a little added cortex so we can “think” about ourselves and where we are. Maybe other animals do that as well, but they can’t tell us in a language we can understand.

    I had caffeine this morning, I apologize. I’ll stop before I go into some weird animal-parallel universe theory tangent.

    My whole point is maybe there isn’t a solution to what we feel we’re missing. But at least we can appreciate the mystery of it and how it manages to stay so elusive and yet present in our minds all at once.

    Liked by 1 person

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