For some reason unbeknown to myself, I have always felt as if I am missing something yet I have never known what it is.
I have felt this way ever since I can remember, I am a whole which consists of a hole I do not know how to fill, or whether it truly exists. I would love to believe that I am not missing anything, however, I do not understand how I could have such strong feelings about the matter and certainly not for this length of time.
The following are two excerpts from my personal journal, detailing the intense feelings which I have seemingly always experienced:
“I don’t know what it is, but it’s this hole in me that’s ever longing for something which will never fill it, like a part of me died a long time ago.”
– 1:19 11/02/2016
“I’ve always felt like I have been missing something; I miss you, I have this gaping hole inside of me that I don’t know how to fill because I don’t know who or what you are. How can a person miss something they’ve never had?”
– 19:57 27/06/2016
I am unsure as to whether I will ever stop feeling this way, and how I will achieve that. This has been a part of my illness which I have never been able to understand. All I know is that I simply have a longing for something that I do not know that I will ever have. This makes almost no sense to me, yet it makes perfect sense at the same time.
I have spent my entire life trying to rid myself of this feeling, yet it seems to be to no avail.
I truly hope that I find what it is that I am missing sometime soon, or that the realisation that I am not missing anything begins. A life lived whilst feeling like a part of you has never been there is not a life that I want to live.