Recently, I wrote an an article about Talking About How You Feel. I have never been able to talk about my thoughts and feelings, yet it seems to be growing increasingly worse; and I am beginning to think that it is perhaps because there is simply nothing to talk about.
Let me explain.
Although I may not be able to convey my thoughts or feelings at any given time, I am aware that they are there. I know what I am thinking and feeling, even if I cannot share it. However, currently I am not aware of what I am thinking or feeling. It is as if my thoughts are there, but they are also not there. I can feel nothing, but I can also feel too much. It is as if my mind has been immersed in a mist that I cannot navigate my way through.
I’ve always believed that I have been extremely emotionally intelligent, from a particularly young age. I have never found myself in a position where I don’t know or understand what it is that I am thinking and feeling. I am aware when I am feeling something, I am aware when I am feeling nothing; yet for the past couple of months, I have no idea where I currently am with my mental illness, and it is beginning to become a concern.
Am I losing insight? Do I no longer understand my illness? Or merely this part of my illness?
I am plagued with feelings of apathy and indifference. Everything is becoming dim and grey once again. I am not experiencing my emotions, I am stuck within the vast void of nothingness and I’m not sure that I can find my way out; at least not any time soon.
I am empty, I am numb.