Yesterday, I somehow came to the realisation of where I have been and what I have been doing for over the past two years of my life, metaphorically speaking.
The following is an excerpt from my personal journal, detailing the realisation that I have experienced:
“For the past two years, I have been stuck at a crossroad in my life. That crossroad has two separate paths, I can either completely let go and immerse myself in self destruction because life is simply not worth it, or I can attempt to get myself together and try to go far in life, but it is not guaranteed.
I would love to be able to choose the latter, but each time I have attempted to walk down this path, I am crushed by stress and my incapability to function as a ‘normal’ person. Sometimes I believe that I have already chosen my path, and that is the path of self destruction. I may have been self-destructive over the past two years, but certainly not to the extent I could be.
I have not yet found an answer, I am never sure if I will ever find that answer, if I will choose my path, if I will finally leave these crossroads. I am truly lost, my mind is a prison which I may never escape.”
Two years ago, I completed my compulsory education. By the time this had come my illness had declined to such a severity that I did not leave my house for months, I lost my girlfriend and all forms of a social life, I had truly hit rock bottom. However, when September came I attempted to attend sixth form. This attempt lasted for two short days, therefore I resorted to a year of isolation in an attempt to render myself healthy once again.
Once the year had passed, my final option was to try and complete college. This ended disastrously within a month, and lead to three separate suicide attempts. This was the last straw for me, quite frankly I am far too ill to attend education, and I believe that education is just not for me; nor will it ever be. As my illness progressed and completely took over my life, I have found myself left at these crossroads.
During this entire period I have been rather self destructive, with intermittent periods of attempting to choose the latter path of living a ‘successful’ life which of course have been to no avail; and each time I find myself returning to the depths of self destruction once again.
I am beginning to work towards the latter path, but I fear that it will end the same again. I do not know or understand what I need to do differently. Each and every time I try to pull myself together and work towards a better life I find myself within the midsts of a severe mixed, manic, depressive, or psychotic episode. I have also never found a point in which I have been ‘stable’ since the beginning of my illness, in fact, I do not believe that I have been ‘stable’ throughout any point in my entire life, unfortunately.
If I do decide to choose the latter path, I will not be allowing myself to give up this time, no matter where I find myself. Maybe that was my mistake after all. This is my final chance to attempt to live a fairly comfortable life, this is an all or nothing decision.
I honestly believe that it is all that can save me now, I am all that can save me now.