This is a subject which I have never brought up, including both online and in real life; as it is something I have been experiencing for a very long time, and I have been in a great amount of denial about it. However, recently I have finally began to accept it as what it is. Obsession(s) is such an ugly word, and having them something that I never wanted to admit to myself. I believed that if I kept up my ignorance towards this issue, it would simply dissipate. Although that was never going to happen, which led to the obsessions and compulsions beginning to take full control of my life; and I could deny it no longer.
In truth, I do suffer from both obsessions and compulsions; and it has taken my entire life to finally admit that.
I am unsure as to where my obsessions first began, as I believe that I have suffered with them my entire life to at least some degree. In fact, both my obsessions and compulsions were very prominent during my childhood as I will go on to explain, however they seemingly went unnoticed.
I first noticed that I experienced compulsions only a few weeks ago, although I have been experiencing them for far longer. The following is an excerpt from my personal journal detailing the experience:
“After visiting my old house in order to feed the cats whilst my mother is away, I had to ensure that the cats were back outside and that the house was left in the state upon which we entered. This is where everything went weird. No matter how many times I went into a room to check that I had indeed turned off everything and that everything was shut and locked as it should be, I had to check again. This resulted in me running around my house more than five times in a panic trying to make sure it was all done. Eventually I felt that overwhelmed that I simply ran out of the door and locked it; I no longer cared if everything was as it should be, I just wanted to get away from there.”
If you have been a follower of this blog, then you may have heard me previously talk about something which I refer to as the contamination delusion. I have suffered from this ‘delusion’ for years, and it is something that can affect my life rather severely. In order to prevent contamination, I am constantly washing my hands and my surroundings. The ‘delusion’ has caused me to obsess and fixate on itself, as well as causing compulsions in order to avoid being contaminated.
Another obsession I have always had, is the obsession with numbers. Ever since I can remember I have absolutely despised odd numbers, therefore everything I do or say has to be done an even amount of times. Therefore the action would have to be performed zero times, or two times; not just one time. This is also brings me onto the law of 2 1 2 1 2, which I will write about in great detail someday. In short, the law of 2 1 2 1 2 requires you to touch a part of yourself after touching an object, then you touch the object and then yourself once more, and finally end with touching the object one last time. This makes the addition of 2 1 2 1 2 complete, for example:
2 = 2
2+1+2+1 = 6
2+1+2+1 = 8
Therefore you are left with the three (in my opinion) most perfect numbers, 2, 6, and 8. This may sound incredibly confusing, and it clearly only applies to myself, yet I have abided by this law since the day I could think for myself; that is 18 years of my life dedicated to the law of 2 1 2 1 2.
There are many more obsessions and compulsions that I could talk about, however, I feel that the ones I have already written about portray my experiences the most clearly.
Now that I have accepted both my obsessions and compulsions, I hope I can finally begin to work on them and myself; until they are no more. Although that is far from realistic unfortunately, though I am aware that I could get better at managing them with time.