For the past two weeks I have not been able to write a single article, although I promised myself I wouldn’t allow that to happen. Unfortunately, there are times in which I cannot control my mental illness, or the direction my life is going in; I lose the ability to play an active role within my life, and that’s when my mental illness has truly taken over.
As the title of this article states, I have been increasingly losing insight over the course of the past few months; which has escalated to such a degree that I no longer know what I am experiencing. I simply know that I am not doing well. Usually I would be aware of exactly what I was experiencing, whether that be mania, depression, psychosis or mixed episodes. However, I seem to have lost that ability.
I am constantly plagued by negative thoughts and emotions, and all attempts to make them cease or at least subside to some degree have been to no avail. Although I have no intention of committing suicide at this time, it is one subject which I cannot get off of my mind. The thought of suicide is constantly there, regardless of whether I wish to think about the subject or not. The amount of apathy and indifference I feel towards the act of suicide also concerns me.
My mind refuses to be quiet, which leaves me currently incapable of doing pretty much anything. Once again I am revelling in isolation, as I truly do wish to avoid as much physical interaction with people as I can. I have reached the point where I am that paranoid that everything is becoming a question, I cannot trust a single person. I am being bombarded with abnormal thoughts and beliefs which I simply cannot let go off, although I do not wish them to be true. My mind is obsessing and ruminating over things that it shouldn’t, I have no control over my mind or thoughts any more; my mental illness has gone into overdrive and I have been left to take the back seat.
As the days and weeks pass by I lose more and more insight, I am unsure as to how far I am going to lose myself and my mind; my grip on reality has already began to slip.
I am lost within the tunnel, and the light is growing dimmer.