Although I have previously stated that I was not ready to talk about some of my ‘delusions’, I feel that I want to talk about this one. Although I refer to this matter as a delusion, I obviously do not believe that it is, and I do not believe that I am being paranoid, yet I can still see that it is wrong to think this way and believe such things.
In short, this contamination matter is born from my paranoia of everything to do with orally consuming something being contaminated. This also includes utensils and objects which are used during the process of preparing and consuming something, it could be anything from forks, knives and plates to counters and tables. These things could be contaminated by dirt, bacteria from the surrounding environment, or from people. Obviously, fixating over something like this is completely absurd, yet I cannot believe that it is indeed a delusion as to me the whole thing is very real.
Although having this constant obsession can be distressing, the biggest problem is how it presents itself externally and in the way it causes me to act. When I go to prepare food I must thoroughly clean the surroundings and utensils that I will be using, anything that will come into contact with the food is sterilised. I will examine the sterilised environment and utensils to ensure that it is to my satisfaction. I ensure that no one is present in the kitchen or area that I am cooking throughout the entire duration of the preparing and cooking process. If something or someone was to come near the food or cooking area during this time, I would have to start over again from scratch.
Any form of what I would consider to be dirt, which is pretty much anything that is not supposed to be on the objects surface, absolutely disgusts me and bothers me even when I am not around it; if I know that it is there, the thought will not leave my mind and will manifest itself until I do clean it, only then will the thoughts stop. I simply feel as if everything and anything could be contaminated, not only does this matter affect me mentally, but also physically as it can cause nausea and manifest itself into physical symptoms. Although I consider the official start of my illness to have occurred when I was 13, I have always experienced certain symptoms of my disorder since childhood, and this is one of them. Living your life in constant fear of contamination is no way to live, yet I find it impossible to avoid.
My first full blown psychotic episode was heavily based around contamination, amongst a multitude of other things. As it causes me to act and behave in a rather peculiar way, it can and has caused a lot of problems for my immediate family, and myself. Although certain ‘delusions’ that I have experienced can change, disappear completely, or be replaced by a different delusion; yet this one has been consistent throughout the entirety of my life.
This contamination matter has resurfaced with more power than I have ever witnessed once again, and I am going to extreme lengths to ensure that I will not be contaminated by what I choose to consume. This is why I have decided to write this article at this time, as I see that there is no better time to write about something than when you are experiencing or witnessing it. I am in constant fear of contamination, I cannot stop cleaning my living environment, yet it never seem to be clean enough. This ‘delusion’ has the ability to take over most parts of my life, it is horrendous to live with. I just hope it begins to subside soon.