Sometimes, you can push yourself too hard; and recently, that is exactly what I have been doing in all areas of my life. I have been pushing myself too hard with my writing, artwork, attempting to be social; and simply all aspects of my life.
However, I have found that although I have been pushing myself too hard, the amount I have been pushing myself is nothing in comparison to most people’s ability to function. Obviously, I am not most people, I am aware that it is my disorder contributing to the fact that I can’t function, and that you cannot compare human lives or people’s ability to function, yet it still niggles away at me. I am an 18 year old guy, in the prime of my life, who simply cannot function.
Thoughts of paranoia will not leave my mind, they are constant, and everything is a question. I suppose in the eyes of others you could say that my thoughts and thought processes are becoming more bizarre, which is one of the factors which prevent me from being able to hold a conversation with another person. The intensity of the hallucinations I have been experiencing are increasing; this also contributes to my ability, or lack of, to sleep. During the day, I can use various things as a distraction from the hallucinations, even if it’s only temporary. Yet at night, when everything is quiet, there is no escape. I lay there staring at the ceiling, attempting to understand what any of their words and mumbling could mean; to no avail. The fact I have insomnia, is the main factor at play which causes me not to sleep. However, if I don’t sleep my symptoms will worsen, which then decreases my chance of sleep due to an increase in the severity of symptoms, which will once again worsen my symptoms. This is a very vicious cycle to fall into, and it is one that I hope I can pull myself out of soon.
Two days ago, I genuinely thought that I had lost my mind. I cannot begin to describe the experience I had, words would not do it justice. I have not felt this way since my last psychotic episode during the end of last year, and the start of this year. Thankfully, I did manage to pull myself out of that situation, but I know I am currently standing on the edge, and I could be pushed over that edge at any given time. I feel very empty and apathetic about everything at this current moment, I have little motivation to perform even the simplest of tasks. Over the past couple of days I have taken a break away from writing in an attempt to refresh my brain, which has not exactly worked out as I intended it to but I do feel the need to write once again; and it is a wonderful feeling to have these thoughts down on paper rather than having them solely in my mind.
I have begun reading books once again for the first time in years, which I have wanted to do for months on end. I am really enjoying it, there is nothing quite like becoming engrossed and lost in a book. I am hoping to pick it up as a hobby again, as when I was younger I could read for hours and hours without noticing. Therefore, if any of you avid readers have any book recommendations for me, please let me know!
All in all everything in my life is okay, and I will get through whatever it is I am experiencing once again. Plus, I have the little things in life to get me through this; which is more than enough.