Welcome to my first article within the Schizoaffective Story Time series. This is the first time I have ever wrote publicly about something like this, as it is very personal and it is very revealing. However, when I first began this blog I wrote it with the intention of providing an honest and uncensored view of life with schizoaffective disorder, therefore I feel that it is necessary to share these stories with you. The following is an excerpt from my personal journal detailing an experience I had a few years back.
“Although I have touched on this subject in the past, you have no understanding of it at all as what I wrote was written in an extremely delusional state; therefore it hardly made sense, although it made perfect sense to me.
Anyway, this is about the murder premonition; or more specifically, my murder premonition. Now, I do still call it this, as I’m still not entirely sure if it was an hallucination or if it actually was a premonition. Although it would most likely be considered a delusion, I do still have some belief in what was foretold. The incident went as followed:
I was sitting in my bedroom one day when I was either 14 or 15 years old, I’m not entirely sure. I had already been rather ill for the past year or two, but I don’t think anything this intense had occurred yet. As I was saying, I was sitting in my bedroom, nothing was out of the ordinary; I was simply contemplating what to do.
The next thing I know I am walking down a street somewhere unfamiliar, although I was in my body, I had absolutely no control over it. It was like watching a movie from a first-person view. I could tell it was night time as the sky was dark and the street I was walking down was illuminated by yellow street lights. I could tell it had been raining as the floor was glistening as the light reflected off the water.
I was walking with friends as far as I could tell, we were all laughing and just talking as friends do. Everything seemed perfectly calm. However, I suddenly felt a sharp pain in the back of my left shoulder blade and saw a dark red colour oozing through my black or gray t shirt; which turned out to be my blood as I had been stabbed with a knife.
As this happened the person barged past me and carried on running down the street, they were a dark figure and I could not see who they were as by this time my vision had gone blurry. I immediately felt weak and fell to my knees, all I could here were the screams of others as I fell to the cold, wet ground. As I faded out of consciousness I could hear the sounds of sirens in the distance.
After I did lose consciousness I came round to find myself sitting in the exact same spot in my room, only 5 or 10 minutes had passed. When I woke up, I was told a date, and that date is 21st May 2025, and that is the day I am going to die.”
As you can imagine, this was an exceptional intense experience, especially for a 14 or 15 year old. This experience is what has and still fuels one of my most prominent delusions to this day. Although I still cannot convince myself that it is indeed a delusion.
This experience has never left me, and I doubt it ever will.