If you read my previous article, you would know that I mentioned that my insomnia is making a return.
I have not been able to sleep at all, and when I do it is very disturbed and intermittent, often leaving me feeling even more tired when I wake up. Although I am not sleeping, I am not feeling all too tired; and for some reason, I have a strong urge to avoid sleep. Yet I am not manic or displaying any symptoms of mania or depression. This is merely down to a wonderful mixture of insomnia and psychosis.
I constantly have a lot going on in my brain, and I feel as if it cannot be turned off. My hallucinations, both visual and audible are increasing. I have become more delusional in the eyes of others, but I’d obviously argue against that. I’ve experienced an increase in intrusive thoughts, and it is impossible to sleep with all of this going on. The insomnia and lack of sleep makes all of my symptoms increase in severity, which then leads to less sleep, once again increasing the severity of the symptoms which in turn creates a vicious cycle that will only get worse. Therefore I believe that I am not in for a fun ride on this one.
I have always had very complex dreams, which I will go into depth with one day, as this article would be incredibly long otherwise. However that is not the point here. My dreams are becoming extremely violent, which in hindsight I have found to be a typical sign of either oncoming or current psychosis. I have not had violent dreams for quite some time, yet these are most probably the most violent dreams that I have ever experienced. I am unsure as to why that is. Though, my hallucinations, delusions, intrusive thoughts and such have always contained at least some degree of violence, therefore I suppose it is to be expected.
I have no way of combatting my insomnia currently, as I am not currently in possession of sleeping tablets or in a position to have access to them, as my transition of care is still incomplete and I have been left without mental health care. However, sleeping tablets would most likely be of no use, as when I was experiencing a very intense bout of insomnia earlier this year, I was able to remain awake for up to 10 days at a time due to insomnia; even with the use of a large dose of Lorazepam which was ineffective, as well as an extremely high dose of Zopiclone, which was 37.5mg, yet I still could not sleep. Therefore I will continue with my typical remedy of smoking myself to sleep, as I have found that it is the only method that is of use and effective.
Even if there is a storm coming my way, I know I’ll see it through to the other side once again. Oh schizoaffective disorder, how you pain me.