As some of you may already know I have been in the midst of a manic episode for the past few months, and a rather severe one at that. I had been extremely reckless, in all areas of my life, yet somehow this time I managed to make it out the other side of the tunnel without destroying my life during the process. This manic episode subsided roughly a month ago, and no form of my mood disorder has been present to this day. Yet, I am not stable in any form whatsoever.
As my manic episode began to subside, I noticed an increase in the presence of my schizophrenic symptoms, including both the positive and negative symptoms of schizophrenia. I have found myself withdrawing completely from those around me, I lack motivation though I have managed to force myself to keep up with my writing and artwork, and my insomnia has decided to make a return. I cannot escape the feelings of apathy and complete indifference. My current ability to express emotion facially is equal to that of a rock. I am having a hard time communicating with others as I either feel that I have no thoughts, or my thoughts become so mashed together that conveying them verbally is not a possibility. I have become extremely paranoid, I cannot stop questioning everything. This has led to me reacting with hostility due to the paranoia, as well as being far more irritable. The levels of my anger are soaring to dangerous heights, where I have found myself considering acts of violence; which I have been able to cease rather quickly as my remaining insight will allow me to see that it is wrong and out of character for me to do these things over such little matters. However, my anger can be quite the beast at times. The only way I can describe it is as a roaring fire that is constantly burning in your chest; the fire does not feel light though, rather it feels like a heavy weight that is compressing your chest from within. When my anger decides to arise and return, this feeling will be constant; and it could last for weeks or possibly even months.
However, this article is not about anger, which I will write about that separately someday; this article is about tremors, shakes, and panic attacks. What I have been previously describing is what I believe led up to this event, as I believe that the increase of my symptoms and what I was experiencing reached a certain climax. I have always had slight tremors and shakes since becoming mentally ill, and they are constant. However, over time they will both increase and decrease in severity; they are at their worst during either manic or psychotic episodes. They can become bothersome during depressive episodes, but they are typically less severe. Though I do not believe that they have ever been as severe as what I am about to describe.
The following event began with me experiencing tremors and shakes, however, these weren’t your typical tremors and shakes. It felt as if my whole body was vibrating and shaking, the tremors were not just in my hands, arms, feet and legs; but also in my head and torso. Every single muscle in my body was being affected by these tremors and shakes, and they were far more violent than usual. Everything this day became a rather difficult task due to this, and it was far from an enjoyable experience. However, the story does not stop here. I soon began feeling very unwell both mentally and physically, which then led me to realise I was actually in the midst of a panic attacks. This panic attack continued for hours, whereas usually they would only last between 30 minutes to 2 hours long. Therefore I decided to sleep it off. However, when I woke in the morning, I found myself still within the grips of the same panic attack. This panic attack kept arising and subsiding throughout the day, which was absolutely ridiculous. By the time it had completely subsided, it had been over 36 hours. This panic attack had lasted over 36 hours.
As you can probably imagine, these two days were absolutely horrendous. I am extremely grateful that it is over, and I hope I don’t have to experience anything like that again too soon.