For the past two months, I have been in a manic episode. Although it may have been considered rather severe, I have had it under complete control. In order to prevent myself from going into full-blown mania, I set restrictions for myself. These restrictions were to ensure that I ate well, got enough sleep and to keep my drug use and financial expenditure under control. As I had kept my behaviours in check and was constantly aware of them, it prevented my mania from increasing in severity.
However, that’s all changed over the past two weeks or so. Although it was unintentional and went unnoticed at the time, I relaxed on my restrictions and they soon disintegrated completely and I began engaging in dissipated behaviour. Which, with thanks to hindsight, I have noticed to be signs and symptoms of mania, meaning that my state of mania is currently increasing in severity. As I did not abide by my restrictions, it has led me to spending excessively on things that I do not need. On the other hand, my finances are still okay and now I have quite a lot of awesome stuff, so this could have been far worse. I have been far more careless recently, and risks do seem far more appealing, although I haven’t engaged in what I would call ‘risky behaviour’ for quite some time. I’ve been able to talk myself down and see sense before committing to doing something that is just ridiculous and absurd. My drug use has increased significantly during this period, whereas I may only have a smoke or two a day, I have been regularly using psychedelics, stimulants and opiates. The psychedelics I have been using for both recreational and healing purposes, many may not agree with the use of psychedelics, and I would never recommend them to another person, but I have found that they work wonderfully and I have never had a problem with them. My stimulant and opiate usage has been for medication and functioning purposes more so than for recreational use. However, as I know that my drug use has increased due to mania, I am trying to reign myself in a bit here; especially as I do not want them exaggerating the symptoms of my mania.
On the other hand, this increase in the severity of my mania has been particularly useful at this point in time. I’ve had abnormal amounts of energy and motivation along with explosions of creativity. As a writer, that is exactly what I need. I’ve been heavily focused on this blog recently, and with every day that passes I’m becoming more focused on my work. Whether that be the blog, my poetry, stories, or artwork. The work that I have been producing since this increase of mania has been the best work that I have produced to this day. Therefore, it’s safe to say that this manic episode is at least doing me some good; it is still somewhat under control although I probably am on the verge of full blown mania. The reason I’m having such a good time in this manic episode is the fact that it’s been almost entirely filled with euphoria and the relatively positive aspects of mania. I have experienced racing thoughts with slight agitation and aggression at times but as I know that is a product of my mania, I can keep a lid on it.
Over the next few days and weeks I will continue to be cautious and keep a watchful eye on how my mania is progressing. At its current state, I’m happy to be experiencing it, though I know it could take a dark turn at any point which I would really like to avoid. Both insight and hindsight should allow me to do that, as they are very powerful tools that I have found are invaluable to my ability to cope with and manage my illness. As long as I continue on this path, all shall be well.