In general, life has been really good recently, and that’s probably an understatement. This blog has been thriving extremely well, and so have my writing skills and capabilities; which is what led to an article of mine being published on a far more successful fellow blogger’s website. I have been receiving recognition and praise for the work I do, many people have personally thanked me for helping them as well as let me know that I have their support. I’ve been spending the majority of my time with the girl of my dreams, she’s a wonderful person who I care about very deeply and she has improved my life in many ways, simply by making me happier and through being understanding. I’ve also seen many of my friends who I haven’t been in contact with for a long time, which is lovely. I have no money struggles or issues to ‘cause me stress in my life, everything is genuinely great. Externally, I really couldn’t ask for anything better.
However, that is not my current issue. Internally, I can feel myself slipping and getting worse. I have noticed that I have a tendency to fall apart just as my life is getting better and everything is going well; and it is making things very hard for myself at the moment. I currently do not know where I am with my illness as I am losing insight, which is a horrendous feeling. I have been in a rather severe manic episode for the past couple of months, which brings up the following questions: Is my mania going to get worse? Am I transitioning into a mixed episode or depression? Am I going to be plagued by psychosis?
At the current moment in time, psychosis is what seems most plausible due to the fact that I can see many delusions arising and many differences in my perception of reality; things seem to be different in a way that I cannot describe, the way things smell, taste, and feel. It’s all different. My mind is running wild. The following are two small excerpts from my personal journal, this is to show my increasingly delusional thinking and how my mind is slowly losing its grip on reality.
“I’m really not sure what it is. When you have such a reality and mind altering illness, such as schizoaffective disorder, you can’t help but feel alone. Now, I know. I’m not alone, there are many people suffering from the same disorder etc. etc. But that is not the point and that is not the issue. My illness has immersed my being in my own reality, one that is very different from any other individuals; and I am alone in this. The only thing that stands by me, is the illness itself.”
“How can a person miss something they’ve never had? I’ve been stuck on the idea that I am here to find you and I always have been, and I always will be. I hope it’s true, I hope I do find you; that’s why I can’t give up. No, not this time.
I have to get this right, I’m surrounded by vast fields of emptiness with a longing for something that I don’t know I’ll ever have. I am alone.”
Those are some extremely personal thoughts that I typically would not be willing to share, but as I wish to provide an uncensored view on what life with schizoaffective disorder is actually like, I think it is necessary to show them. As you can see there are two main ideas here that I am stuck on and that fuel my delusions, those being that I am completely alone, and that I’m missing something that I have to find, which is why I’m here. These delusions and ideas go far deeper than what I have showed you, these few sentences do not demonstrate how deep these thoughts and feelings can go; and how they can affect every aspect of your life as well as ‘cause an unbearable amount of pain.
Due to all of this, I haven’t been able to write that much recently, even though it is giving me more reason to do so. I have no psychiatrist or any form of mental health care at the moment, and more importantly, I don’t have MY psychiatrist. She has helped me in many ways and would be willing to help during this situation, but she can’t because of this whole transition of care mess that I have to go through. I cannot go back onto antipsychotics, no matter how bad this illness becomes I am not willing to do that to myself again.
I am holding on and hoping for the best, I just hope I don’t end up too unwell by the end of all this. Still, I’m going to ride it out. I know that either way I will get through this. I just hope that the ride isn’t too unpleasant, but who am I kidding? Of course it is.